Sometimes its like i'm in a bad film.
A very bad film.
A film where from start to finish the main character just keeps getting constantly attacked because the writer didn't want a cliche happy ending.
Sometimes its like i can't trust happiness. Its like the moment i feel safe. Happy.
Someone or something sees it and takes it away from me.
Sometimes it feels people walk into my life just to share for a small moment of time what i have.
Then when they pretty much have everything they leave again.
Without so much as a goodbye.
When someone tells you they love you every day you start to believe them. You start to believe that you have something worth wanting. You start to feel as if you have the power to make someone happy.
That nothing in world matters as long as they keep saying they love you.
- but when they stop,
and they walk away.
and they stop telling you.
Its like every single problem you was ignoring comes rushing back and it breaks you and crumbles you.
until you cry and you can't stop crying.
and you fall to the floor and keep falling and you try to reach up to hold on that little chance of beautiful light dangling itself infront of you.
It takes awhile but you get used to the dark. You get use to seeing the light but not being able to have it. You become so used to the pain that it numbs you.
But then what if the light's given back to you? What if they needed to know that they could still have you.
That they're still wanted.
Still needed.
Can still make someone happy.
Then they come back and take you out of the darkness.
They make you feel like that the empty feeling in your stomach is butterflies.
They make you feel like the tears you cried were worth it. that you're worth it.
Until they wake up and realise they don't need you.
They leave you by text.
and then the world stops spinning and the darkness comes back laughing and screaming that you'll never be happy.
and they'll get their happy ending and their sucess and their beautiful love story.
because their writer is on their side.
and they'll be fine, and they won't remember you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFtaSNiGWuc
The diary of the better luck next time kid. 12 to 15/12/11
Monday - on Monday a woman came into my work with a new baby.
me: awwr HE'S a cute bubba. (:
woman: SHE'S a little girl. -.^
:O :/
Tuesday: today i got called something by a friend of. It hurt to hear and she didn't mean to say it.
i got angry when i shouldn't of.
Bcause, in some ways she was right.
it made me want to cry but i didn't.
i think I’m getting stronger.
I think I’m getting stronger with bcause of my friends.
I'm starting to learn that a positive mind brings positive results and that i can't make anyone else happy until i am.
This is my goal for Thursday to be myself to be happy.
Moment: My friends coming home. <3
Song: rihanna we found love.
Thursday never happened so i have to wait till love finds me and fate makes it move.
me: awwr HE'S a cute bubba. (:
woman: SHE'S a little girl. -.^
:O :/
Tuesday: today i got called something by a friend of. It hurt to hear and she didn't mean to say it.
i got angry when i shouldn't of.
Bcause, in some ways she was right.
it made me want to cry but i didn't.
i think I’m getting stronger.
I think I’m getting stronger with bcause of my friends.
I'm starting to learn that a positive mind brings positive results and that i can't make anyone else happy until i am.
This is my goal for Thursday to be myself to be happy.
Moment: My friends coming home. <3
Song: rihanna we found love.
Thursday never happened so i have to wait till love finds me and fate makes it move.
December 11/11/2011 - The diary of the better luck next time kid.
I can't sleep AGAIN and I already new what I was gonnah say for today.
Couldn't sleep.
(Thought about thursday.)
Went to work.
(Thought about thursday.)
Had a argument with my mum.
(Thought about thursday.)
Went out for my cousins bday. <3
(Thought about thursday.)
So the count down begins.
To THURSDAY!
The day that has th potential to be one of the best and worst day of the last few month.
Thursday my beautiful friends come back. <3
Thursday ____ could be out.
Worst case:
- we don't go out.
- we go out and ___ not there.
- we go out and ___ there and kisses someone.
- we go out and ___ distance and I text ___ something stupid.
I know I've kissed 2 people since that day.
But it was never in front of ____.
It was to get over ___
It was just to see if I liked someone else better.
But I don't.
I can't.
Best case:
- ___ there ___ walks me home, kisses me and tells me ___ loves me.
But this won't happen. Bcause I'm not one of th lucky ones. That get a second chance.
I'm just about lucky to get a first one.
That's why I call myself the better luck next time kid.
My friend said to me in th early hours of this morning:
'When you have distance from someone, something, you forget how bad the bads were, because the people aren't around to remind you of their imperfections.
Which is why you end up missing people so much.
In your head, they become idyllic. In reality... Not so much :)'
But then if you only remember th good stuff, surely that out weighs th bad?'
Merh. idk.
moment of the day: my grandad telling me about time he spent in newyork.
song of the day: dancing with the beast. Wombats
Peaceee and kisses. xxx
Han. <3
Couldn't sleep.
(Thought about thursday.)
Went to work.
(Thought about thursday.)
Had a argument with my mum.
(Thought about thursday.)
Went out for my cousins bday. <3
(Thought about thursday.)
So the count down begins.
To THURSDAY!
The day that has th potential to be one of the best and worst day of the last few month.
Thursday my beautiful friends come back. <3
Thursday ____ could be out.
Worst case:
- we don't go out.
- we go out and ___ not there.
- we go out and ___ there and kisses someone.
- we go out and ___ distance and I text ___ something stupid.
I know I've kissed 2 people since that day.
But it was never in front of ____.
It was to get over ___
It was just to see if I liked someone else better.
But I don't.
I can't.
Best case:
- ___ there ___ walks me home, kisses me and tells me ___ loves me.
But this won't happen. Bcause I'm not one of th lucky ones. That get a second chance.
I'm just about lucky to get a first one.
That's why I call myself the better luck next time kid.
My friend said to me in th early hours of this morning:
'When you have distance from someone, something, you forget how bad the bads were, because the people aren't around to remind you of their imperfections.
Which is why you end up missing people so much.
In your head, they become idyllic. In reality... Not so much :)'
But then if you only remember th good stuff, surely that out weighs th bad?'
Merh. idk.
moment of the day: my grandad telling me about time he spent in newyork.
song of the day: dancing with the beast. Wombats
Peaceee and kisses. xxx
Han. <3
December 10/11/2011 - The diary of the better luck next time kid.
I will try to make this as interesting as possible but here goes..
My life.
For the whole world to see. hmm. quiet scary and ridiculous huh?
... sorry for the rambling. I will try and update this as much as possible.
i will also change names of bad people grr. -.-
but keep the names of good one. (: woo.
okay.
soooooooo
so today started with being awake at tooooo late a clock waiting for a reply from a friend that i had been arguing with alot recently. although she meant alot to me i don't think our friendship will ever be rescued.
especially if i get mentioned on her twitter again. -_- grr.
being called a' dogwhoretramp' or something along those lines. (cheers fam.)
Although i felt i gave my best efforts i ended up getting delete later in the day. (double cheers fam.)
i don't resent her but i WILL NOT be trying to be friends with her for while.
i love her and i always will, but i don't like her at the moment.
I had alot of support to keep me calm Jess, chad, kel. <3 MAJOR LOVE
then i listen to the wombats, two door cinema club and cried myself to sleep at the thought of _______ kissing someone else. Pathetic. i know. :')
then after fuck all sleep i had work with my new manjer. Hilter.
i don't like her because of the way she spoke to another member of staff, and then punished the member of staff for sticking up for self. SKET!
anyway it wasn't as bad as i thought, bcause i think she likes me. (:
- teachers pet. -.^
After work:
Went home.
Auntie told me she's looking at a house around the corner. oh.god.
although i love her :') she can stay where she is.
Ended up at my grandparents where i weighed myself.
8.78
not good!
i thought i had put weight back on my bad.
moment of the day: when the old man came in buying a skirt for his wife that was in hospital. <3 QT
Song of the day: ed sheeran kiss me.
Peaceeeeeee and kissses. xxx
Han. <3
p.s this blog isn't to hurt, offend or upset anyone.
My life.
For the whole world to see. hmm. quiet scary and ridiculous huh?
... sorry for the rambling. I will try and update this as much as possible.
i will also change names of bad people grr. -.-
but keep the names of good one. (: woo.
okay.
soooooooo
so today started with being awake at tooooo late a clock waiting for a reply from a friend that i had been arguing with alot recently. although she meant alot to me i don't think our friendship will ever be rescued.
especially if i get mentioned on her twitter again. -_- grr.
being called a' dogwhoretramp' or something along those lines. (cheers fam.)
Although i felt i gave my best efforts i ended up getting delete later in the day. (double cheers fam.)
i don't resent her but i WILL NOT be trying to be friends with her for while.
i love her and i always will, but i don't like her at the moment.
I had alot of support to keep me calm Jess, chad, kel. <3 MAJOR LOVE
then i listen to the wombats, two door cinema club and cried myself to sleep at the thought of _______ kissing someone else. Pathetic. i know. :')
then after fuck all sleep i had work with my new manjer. Hilter.
i don't like her because of the way she spoke to another member of staff, and then punished the member of staff for sticking up for self. SKET!
anyway it wasn't as bad as i thought, bcause i think she likes me. (:
- teachers pet. -.^
After work:
Went home.
Auntie told me she's looking at a house around the corner. oh.god.
although i love her :') she can stay where she is.
Ended up at my grandparents where i weighed myself.
8.78
not good!
i thought i had put weight back on my bad.
moment of the day: when the old man came in buying a skirt for his wife that was in hospital. <3 QT
Song of the day: ed sheeran kiss me.
Peaceeeeeee and kissses. xxx
Han. <3
p.s this blog isn't to hurt, offend or upset anyone.
darlin' boy
My dearest Jack,
You can call it idiotic or just plain foolishness, but the absence of you has made it unbearable for me to feel anything other then self loath.
I feel disgusted with myself for letting you go and I feel consumed with utter hate for my reflection, as it is a constant reminder of the very thing that gave you up.
Believe me Jack when I say you was the only desire that I have ever felt could kill me. I’m simply breaking inside without you and the friend I thought I could once confide in becomes the enemy I can not worry.
I hide my tears away from John, but it is becoming increasing difficult because he is the only reminder of you that makes my heart beat.
Jack I feel deep despair for my inconsiderateness and unbearable selfish action which urges me to worry you like this, but the day I saw you walk away feels me with a great sadness.
I only have myself to blame for I ripped you away from him like some insecure monster consumed with pride, raising the gun and pulling the trigger myself. for all my wrongs I am sorry.
I wish you could be there for him Jack, for me.
I feel like a child that foolishly fell down a brilliant rabbit hole on the quest for some nonsense of beauty and was taken in to some obscene nightmare with no way out, my only wish is that I wake up.
That I wake up with you.
My own stupid actions have brought the most ugliest pain I have ever had to face, in my short life.
The only thing that was remotely content within it, is becoming increasingly ill.
I need you to hold me Jack.
I feel so stupidly selfish for telling you this, but I fear if I don’t I will break.
I cry at night and my tears only remind me of bullets when they hit the sheet, and then I think of the tears you must have cried.
I could never imagine what it must be like out there in my darkest nightmares.
I want your touch.
I want your kiss.
I want to hear you whisper I love you with your soothing voice, the noises from our last goodbye still echo continuously around my head. The words taunt me as I know I may never hear them from your lips again. If I could just see you again.
I dream of some unending fairytale with you but who wants to live for ever at times like this, when I seem to get the simplest thing wrong like your request. You deserve someone better unlike me. Any decent human being would have mad sure they got your basic items of sanity right.
Find me Jack. please don’t leave me lost and insecure like that child in wonderland come home to me baby, I will pray for you
All my love Hatter
P.S I cry for you.
You can call it idiotic or just plain foolishness, but the absence of you has made it unbearable for me to feel anything other then self loath.
I feel disgusted with myself for letting you go and I feel consumed with utter hate for my reflection, as it is a constant reminder of the very thing that gave you up.
Believe me Jack when I say you was the only desire that I have ever felt could kill me. I’m simply breaking inside without you and the friend I thought I could once confide in becomes the enemy I can not worry.
I hide my tears away from John, but it is becoming increasing difficult because he is the only reminder of you that makes my heart beat.
Jack I feel deep despair for my inconsiderateness and unbearable selfish action which urges me to worry you like this, but the day I saw you walk away feels me with a great sadness.
I only have myself to blame for I ripped you away from him like some insecure monster consumed with pride, raising the gun and pulling the trigger myself. for all my wrongs I am sorry.
I wish you could be there for him Jack, for me.
I feel like a child that foolishly fell down a brilliant rabbit hole on the quest for some nonsense of beauty and was taken in to some obscene nightmare with no way out, my only wish is that I wake up.
That I wake up with you.
My own stupid actions have brought the most ugliest pain I have ever had to face, in my short life.
The only thing that was remotely content within it, is becoming increasingly ill.
I need you to hold me Jack.
I feel so stupidly selfish for telling you this, but I fear if I don’t I will break.
I cry at night and my tears only remind me of bullets when they hit the sheet, and then I think of the tears you must have cried.
I could never imagine what it must be like out there in my darkest nightmares.
I want your touch.
I want your kiss.
I want to hear you whisper I love you with your soothing voice, the noises from our last goodbye still echo continuously around my head. The words taunt me as I know I may never hear them from your lips again. If I could just see you again.
I dream of some unending fairytale with you but who wants to live for ever at times like this, when I seem to get the simplest thing wrong like your request. You deserve someone better unlike me. Any decent human being would have mad sure they got your basic items of sanity right.
Find me Jack. please don’t leave me lost and insecure like that child in wonderland come home to me baby, I will pray for you
All my love Hatter
P.S I cry for you.
here's another line from th heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77J6W4ZixAY
Dearest hatter,
never to be trusted,
never to be loved,
never to be thought of first,
never to be faught over.
never to be right,
never to be shown your th one? they want.
never to succeed, or achieve.
for you will never be thought of? and happyness will never be.
- because you'll always be known as th freak.
but! how? could they ever love you.
Why! would they ever dare, to show you that they care?
for you are too much of a risk and for you to reach eternal bliss.
You must stop looking for happyness, and shut your eyes so can you sleep.
entering th ground 6ft deep.
and whilst you waste you waste away so coldy?
your fragile body is left so grossly.
- Don't expect them to weep, they'll just hate you because you're weak.
You tried to warn them with tears of sadness, happy faces and crazy madness.
with fraglie structures and screaming voices.
You push and push, for you can't take the love they never gave.
and as you fall towards th ground and once more more write your tears down, secertly praying that they will look.
You! straight into th eyes?
with know doubt, cruel intentions or lies.
holding you closely to their chest.
saying listen to my beating heart.
feel the steadyness of my breathing, for i will be their to protect you.
because i can see your light
i will forever love you and kiss you goodbye at night.
all my love alice. <3
Dearest hatter,
never to be trusted,
never to be loved,
never to be thought of first,
never to be faught over.
never to be right,
never to be shown your th one? they want.
never to succeed, or achieve.
for you will never be thought of? and happyness will never be.
- because you'll always be known as th freak.
but! how? could they ever love you.
Why! would they ever dare, to show you that they care?
for you are too much of a risk and for you to reach eternal bliss.
You must stop looking for happyness, and shut your eyes so can you sleep.
entering th ground 6ft deep.
and whilst you waste you waste away so coldy?
your fragile body is left so grossly.
- Don't expect them to weep, they'll just hate you because you're weak.
You tried to warn them with tears of sadness, happy faces and crazy madness.
with fraglie structures and screaming voices.
You push and push, for you can't take the love they never gave.
and as you fall towards th ground and once more more write your tears down, secertly praying that they will look.
You! straight into th eyes?
with know doubt, cruel intentions or lies.
holding you closely to their chest.
saying listen to my beating heart.
feel the steadyness of my breathing, for i will be their to protect you.
because i can see your light
i will forever love you and kiss you goodbye at night.
all my love alice. <3
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Which way? That way!
play this then read, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc
As you lay within the trees.
Drifting of so carelessly.
Entering the land of dreams.
Tears wills forget to stream
Down upon your redden cheek.
Your heart will slow its beat and the days will blur like a memory.
The birds will tweet and cats will chase.
Whilst you lay still like time and space.
The boring book you are yet to read.
Will soon seem so problem free.
As you close your eyes and take your finally breath before you lay this world to rest.
Once awaken.
You will face a little rabbit with no time to waste.
Without a moment to gather your thoughts
Another lesson is waiting to be taught.
Of you go my darlin’ because down the hole you’ll fall.
Upside down round and round becoming helpless like us all.
And as you look at the dimming light you’re entering a room.
That can only feel you with a heart of pain and a soul that’s so misused.
your knees crash against the ground and behind you is the autumn sounds.
Take a breath and don’t forget, if you don’t move fast you’ll have nothing left.
You must think quickly as time is running away and on the table the poison lays.
For you to figure out just how much you can take?!
So drink up, drink fast and be quick as the door is opening and you are yet to pick?
Which way? That way! Down the road.
As we wait for the story to stop and unfold.
'All my love'
Hatter. ♥
quickly, bitterly slowly in love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sA85wMC16A play this then read.
Would I be foolish to say the stars have stopped beating?
Or my hearts still wishing?
Is it silly to think my nightmares are keeping me safe at night?
Whilst all my dreams are the ones that make me toss and turn
Could it be destiny to say the worlds started spinning,
and gravity’s keeping me up in the air.
Should I be scared that the pavement that once kept me standing is now hollow,
The wounds of yesterday, are things that bring me the biggest happiness.
Because there deep in side lies,
Iloveyou.
For it was you I gave my heart to.
With it came everything I had.
Now with the big empty space of darkness I must rebuild what was lost.
Would it be foolish to say I could never stop falling, quickly, bitterly slowly in love with the very thing that’s killing me?
I will never back down and I will stand with broken legs and heartless chests,
just to say I made it.
it was just a thought
"all my love " hatter ♥
Shut your eyes and run.
play this then read, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjQtVmh4X1s
Today I ran so fast, I lived.
It was just a thought.
"all my love hatter."
Today I learned how to breathe.
I shut my eyes and ran, I ran as fast as I could in the freezing cold and the pounding wind.
Today I didn’t straighten my hair or put my make up on.
Today I wore that dress I never thought suited me.
Today I meowed! At strangers and laughed as loud as I could.
Today I shut my eyes and ran, I ran away from the fakes, the liars, the meaningless ‘I love yous’ the self doubt, the happy couples, the best friends brought together by hate. I SANG to the bands I pretend to hate. I told the jokes that no-one else finds funny.
Today I ran from the boys that only text you because there bored.
The boys that can keep you hanging on a string. The boy you that make you believe you and 10 other girls are just so special and beautiful.
Today I ran away from the girls who post I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY on there boyfriends wall a billion times over. The girls who look you up and down because your pale.
Today I stopped listening to the songs that remind me of you. I stopped paying attention to the tutors that give you the ‘your gonnah fail’ look.
It was just a thought.
"all my love hatter."
and to you, i'm sorry.
Play this then read http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryoykj8us00
Today I took a different turn down my street.
today...
I passed the drugged up homeless man. He had served our country for 10yrs.
When he came home he found his wife in bed with another man, after he suffered from a nervous break down she took everything.
Other then his two kids, she was his only family. I pretended I never saw him
I walked past the wealthy business man with an empty briefcase, he’d just been made redundant and though he was walking tall, he felt like the smallest man in the world. I never gave him a second thought.
I sat on a bench next to an old lady wearing knee high boots and red lipstick; she just wanted her first kiss before she passes away. I moved benches
I stared at the disgustingly heavy fat girl eating a doughnut. She had just come from her best friend’s funeral. Her best friend died of an eating disorder. She was the fat girl’s closest thing to ever having a sister. I laughed and whispered to my friends about her.
I bitched about the girl with the orange face. Her boyfriend makes her feel worthless, ugly. He hit her last night, she where’s the make up to cover the bruises. She’s to scared to leave him, not because of the abuse but because she thinks that no one will ever love her. I just assumed she was a slag.
Today I pushed pasted the old man walking slowly in front of me because I was in a rush. He’ll be going home tonight to an empty flat, he’ll kiss his wife’s picture and spray her side of the bed with her favourite perfume. So when he sleeps he won’t feel so alone. I never turned round to say sorry.
Tomorrow I’ll smile at the man still living for nothing. I’ll smile at the man with the brave look on his face and the lady who’s still dreaming. I’ll send a smile to the fat girl who didn’t torture herself to fit in, I’ll smile to the girl who’ll do anything to be loved Today I’ll smile at the old romantic who meant the words “till death do we part.”
Tomorrow I’ll take that same wrong turn but this time I’ll smile at the strangers, so for that one moment they know that the whole worlds not against them.
It was just a smile.
“All my love”
Hatter. ♥
Here ended th lesson.
play this then read http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzuo_UObpuA
Today I walked into a room full of mirrors.
Today I walked into a room full of mirrors.
I don’t know how?
Or why I was there?
I just was.
It was another lesson.
They looked at me with judgement.
They stood in all different shapes and sizes.
They towered over; I’d be a liar to say I wasn’t intimidated by what I saw.
I span round and became confronted with myself, my hair was a mess and my make up ran of my face.
I turned again and my body was huge, disgustingly heavy so much so I didn’t fit in the mirror.
I twirled to see my stick thin frame ready to collapse.
Again and again I circled round to see my body form with imperfections.
I had no bust in one, my eyes where black in another.
I was invisible tall, then ridiculously small.
They were laughing at me.
Over powering me.
Putting twisted images in my head!
Making me feel insecure! making me feel intimidated! Threaten! Ugly!
I smashed!
hit back!
… but I was weak
They stood there in numbers,
I managed to hit back at one,
On the floor laid shattered glass and init was a stereotyped defeat image of myself.
I was the underdog, but not yet the victim.
I got back with blood and scars, and stood up firm. Holding my ground.
The moment I did. The second I believed, the mirrors where gone.
Here ended th lesson.
It was just a thought.
“All my love,”
Hatter.
the wall
play then read..
I was wondering through the forest with no hope of ever escaping. The trees had caved over to hide any light, and the thick air around me was heavy.
I was lost?
I fell to my knees.
When I looked up with sunken eyes, there he stood back turned against me.
I approached with caution someone I once saw so strong.
Felt cold, weak.
Doubted him self.
I told him to turn around and bring his face in to the glittering light.
But he was afraid of what I might see.
I told him to be proud, but he had no drive.
I told him to stand, but the pressure was too heavy on his shoulders.
He started to build a wall from the dirt and I watched.
I watched him struggle,
He was stronger then this.
I scream and scratched and begged him to stop.
Suddenly he saw something striking; it brought back his drive, his strength.
He saw something in himself.
With inspiration, came self belief and hope was whispering, “one more time.”
As he turned the glitter began to form.
He smiled, the wall crashed down around him…
The forest had life again.
it was just a memory
"all my love"
Hatter. ♥
it was just a memory
"all my love"
Hatter. ♥
Grabbing at air
play this and read...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k19Zz-8DXss
Today my biggest dream was to catch a fairy from a dandelion, I chased and chased and ran. I soared, I flew I circled. I fell. I was in complete awe of what I wanted.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k19Zz-8DXss
Today my biggest dream was to catch a fairy from a dandelion, I chased and chased and ran. I soared, I flew I circled. I fell. I was in complete awe of what I wanted.
My hands reached out with the sun beaming down and as I skipped with my hands wide open, I went for it.
I took that massive lunged and swung round to face my fist. I froze. In fear. With the thought of what if I hadn’t caught it?
What if I missed my chance?
What if I couldn’t make my wish?
I opened my hand to see that I grabbed at air.
There was nothing for me to wish for, no hope, no faith, no beauty.
My heart sunk, if it was to beat now it would break my chest.
… but I stopped for a second, in that one moment time had frozen. The stars where out I realised I had been running for ages on false hope.
I looked up and they looked back at me in their thousands with smiles on their faces. Why make one wish, I thought.
When I have so many things worth living for.
Why should I put all my effort in to chasing one fairy, when I have all the shooting stars in the sky to follow, and so many reasons to live as bright amongst them? To never feel disappointed.
It was just a thought.
"All my love,"
Hatter.
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