darlin' boy

My dearest Jack,


You can call it idiotic or just plain foolishness, but the absence of you has made it unbearable for me to feel anything other then self loath.

I feel disgusted with myself for letting you go and I feel consumed with utter hate for my reflection, as it is a constant reminder of the very thing that gave you up.

Believe me Jack when I say you was the only desire that I have ever felt could kill me. I’m simply breaking inside without you and the friend I thought I could once confide in becomes the enemy I can not worry.

I hide my tears away from John, but it is becoming increasing difficult because he is the only reminder of you that makes my heart beat.

Jack I feel deep despair for my inconsiderateness and unbearable selfish action which urges me to worry you like this, but the day I saw you walk away feels me with a great sadness.

I only have myself to blame for I ripped you away from him like some insecure monster consumed with pride, raising the gun and pulling the trigger myself. for all my wrongs I am sorry.

I wish you could be there for him Jack, for me.

I feel like a child that foolishly fell down a brilliant rabbit hole on the quest for some nonsense of beauty and was taken in to some obscene nightmare with no way out, my only wish is that I wake up.

That I wake up with you.


My own stupid actions have brought the most ugliest pain I have ever had to face, in my short life.

The only thing that was remotely content within it, is becoming increasingly ill.

I need you to hold me Jack.

I feel so stupidly selfish for telling you this, but I fear if I don’t I will break.

I cry at night and my tears only remind me of bullets when they hit the sheet, and then I think of the tears you must have cried.

I could never imagine what it must be like out there in my darkest nightmares.


I want your touch.

I want your kiss.

I want to hear you whisper I love you with your soothing voice, the noises from our last goodbye still echo continuously around my head. The words taunt me as I know I may never hear them from your lips again. If I could just see you again.


I dream of some unending fairytale with you but who wants to live for ever at times like this, when I seem to get the simplest thing wrong like your request. You deserve someone better unlike me. Any decent human being would have mad sure they got your basic items of sanity right.


Find me Jack. please don’t leave me lost and insecure like that child in wonderland come home to me baby, I will pray for you

All my love Hatter

P.S I cry for you.