Sometimes its like i'm in a bad film.
A very bad film.
A film where from start to finish the main character just keeps getting constantly attacked because the writer didn't want a cliche happy ending.
Sometimes its like i can't trust happiness. Its like the moment i feel safe. Happy.
Someone or something sees it and takes it away from me.
Sometimes it feels people walk into my life just to share for a small moment of time what i have.
Then when they pretty much have everything they leave again.
Without so much as a goodbye.
When someone tells you they love you every day you start to believe them. You start to believe that you have something worth wanting. You start to feel as if you have the power to make someone happy.
That nothing in world matters as long as they keep saying they love you.
- but when they stop,
and they walk away.
and they stop telling you.
Its like every single problem you was ignoring comes rushing back and it breaks you and crumbles you.
until you cry and you can't stop crying.
and you fall to the floor and keep falling and you try to reach up to hold on that little chance of beautiful light dangling itself infront of you.
It takes awhile but you get used to the dark. You get use to seeing the light but not being able to have it. You become so used to the pain that it numbs you.
But then what if the light's given back to you? What if they needed to know that they could still have you.
That they're still wanted.
Still needed.
Can still make someone happy.
Then they come back and take you out of the darkness.
They make you feel like that the empty feeling in your stomach is butterflies.
They make you feel like the tears you cried were worth it. that you're worth it.
Until they wake up and realise they don't need you.
They leave you by text.
and then the world stops spinning and the darkness comes back laughing and screaming that you'll never be happy.
and they'll get their happy ending and their sucess and their beautiful love story.
because their writer is on their side.
and they'll be fine, and they won't remember you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFtaSNiGWuc
The diary of the better luck next time kid. 12 to 15/12/11
Monday - on Monday a woman came into my work with a new baby.
me: awwr HE'S a cute bubba. (:
woman: SHE'S a little girl. -.^
:O :/
Tuesday: today i got called something by a friend of. It hurt to hear and she didn't mean to say it.
i got angry when i shouldn't of.
Bcause, in some ways she was right.
it made me want to cry but i didn't.
i think I’m getting stronger.
I think I’m getting stronger with bcause of my friends.
I'm starting to learn that a positive mind brings positive results and that i can't make anyone else happy until i am.
This is my goal for Thursday to be myself to be happy.
Moment: My friends coming home. <3
Song: rihanna we found love.
Thursday never happened so i have to wait till love finds me and fate makes it move.
me: awwr HE'S a cute bubba. (:
woman: SHE'S a little girl. -.^
:O :/
Tuesday: today i got called something by a friend of. It hurt to hear and she didn't mean to say it.
i got angry when i shouldn't of.
Bcause, in some ways she was right.
it made me want to cry but i didn't.
i think I’m getting stronger.
I think I’m getting stronger with bcause of my friends.
I'm starting to learn that a positive mind brings positive results and that i can't make anyone else happy until i am.
This is my goal for Thursday to be myself to be happy.
Moment: My friends coming home. <3
Song: rihanna we found love.
Thursday never happened so i have to wait till love finds me and fate makes it move.
December 11/11/2011 - The diary of the better luck next time kid.
I can't sleep AGAIN and I already new what I was gonnah say for today.
Couldn't sleep.
(Thought about thursday.)
Went to work.
(Thought about thursday.)
Had a argument with my mum.
(Thought about thursday.)
Went out for my cousins bday. <3
(Thought about thursday.)
So the count down begins.
To THURSDAY!
The day that has th potential to be one of the best and worst day of the last few month.
Thursday my beautiful friends come back. <3
Thursday ____ could be out.
Worst case:
- we don't go out.
- we go out and ___ not there.
- we go out and ___ there and kisses someone.
- we go out and ___ distance and I text ___ something stupid.
I know I've kissed 2 people since that day.
But it was never in front of ____.
It was to get over ___
It was just to see if I liked someone else better.
But I don't.
I can't.
Best case:
- ___ there ___ walks me home, kisses me and tells me ___ loves me.
But this won't happen. Bcause I'm not one of th lucky ones. That get a second chance.
I'm just about lucky to get a first one.
That's why I call myself the better luck next time kid.
My friend said to me in th early hours of this morning:
'When you have distance from someone, something, you forget how bad the bads were, because the people aren't around to remind you of their imperfections.
Which is why you end up missing people so much.
In your head, they become idyllic. In reality... Not so much :)'
But then if you only remember th good stuff, surely that out weighs th bad?'
Merh. idk.
moment of the day: my grandad telling me about time he spent in newyork.
song of the day: dancing with the beast. Wombats
Peaceee and kisses. xxx
Han. <3
Couldn't sleep.
(Thought about thursday.)
Went to work.
(Thought about thursday.)
Had a argument with my mum.
(Thought about thursday.)
Went out for my cousins bday. <3
(Thought about thursday.)
So the count down begins.
To THURSDAY!
The day that has th potential to be one of the best and worst day of the last few month.
Thursday my beautiful friends come back. <3
Thursday ____ could be out.
Worst case:
- we don't go out.
- we go out and ___ not there.
- we go out and ___ there and kisses someone.
- we go out and ___ distance and I text ___ something stupid.
I know I've kissed 2 people since that day.
But it was never in front of ____.
It was to get over ___
It was just to see if I liked someone else better.
But I don't.
I can't.
Best case:
- ___ there ___ walks me home, kisses me and tells me ___ loves me.
But this won't happen. Bcause I'm not one of th lucky ones. That get a second chance.
I'm just about lucky to get a first one.
That's why I call myself the better luck next time kid.
My friend said to me in th early hours of this morning:
'When you have distance from someone, something, you forget how bad the bads were, because the people aren't around to remind you of their imperfections.
Which is why you end up missing people so much.
In your head, they become idyllic. In reality... Not so much :)'
But then if you only remember th good stuff, surely that out weighs th bad?'
Merh. idk.
moment of the day: my grandad telling me about time he spent in newyork.
song of the day: dancing with the beast. Wombats
Peaceee and kisses. xxx
Han. <3
December 10/11/2011 - The diary of the better luck next time kid.
I will try to make this as interesting as possible but here goes..
My life.
For the whole world to see. hmm. quiet scary and ridiculous huh?
... sorry for the rambling. I will try and update this as much as possible.
i will also change names of bad people grr. -.-
but keep the names of good one. (: woo.
okay.
soooooooo
so today started with being awake at tooooo late a clock waiting for a reply from a friend that i had been arguing with alot recently. although she meant alot to me i don't think our friendship will ever be rescued.
especially if i get mentioned on her twitter again. -_- grr.
being called a' dogwhoretramp' or something along those lines. (cheers fam.)
Although i felt i gave my best efforts i ended up getting delete later in the day. (double cheers fam.)
i don't resent her but i WILL NOT be trying to be friends with her for while.
i love her and i always will, but i don't like her at the moment.
I had alot of support to keep me calm Jess, chad, kel. <3 MAJOR LOVE
then i listen to the wombats, two door cinema club and cried myself to sleep at the thought of _______ kissing someone else. Pathetic. i know. :')
then after fuck all sleep i had work with my new manjer. Hilter.
i don't like her because of the way she spoke to another member of staff, and then punished the member of staff for sticking up for self. SKET!
anyway it wasn't as bad as i thought, bcause i think she likes me. (:
- teachers pet. -.^
After work:
Went home.
Auntie told me she's looking at a house around the corner. oh.god.
although i love her :') she can stay where she is.
Ended up at my grandparents where i weighed myself.
8.78
not good!
i thought i had put weight back on my bad.
moment of the day: when the old man came in buying a skirt for his wife that was in hospital. <3 QT
Song of the day: ed sheeran kiss me.
Peaceeeeeee and kissses. xxx
Han. <3
p.s this blog isn't to hurt, offend or upset anyone.
My life.
For the whole world to see. hmm. quiet scary and ridiculous huh?
... sorry for the rambling. I will try and update this as much as possible.
i will also change names of bad people grr. -.-
but keep the names of good one. (: woo.
okay.
soooooooo
so today started with being awake at tooooo late a clock waiting for a reply from a friend that i had been arguing with alot recently. although she meant alot to me i don't think our friendship will ever be rescued.
especially if i get mentioned on her twitter again. -_- grr.
being called a' dogwhoretramp' or something along those lines. (cheers fam.)
Although i felt i gave my best efforts i ended up getting delete later in the day. (double cheers fam.)
i don't resent her but i WILL NOT be trying to be friends with her for while.
i love her and i always will, but i don't like her at the moment.
I had alot of support to keep me calm Jess, chad, kel. <3 MAJOR LOVE
then i listen to the wombats, two door cinema club and cried myself to sleep at the thought of _______ kissing someone else. Pathetic. i know. :')
then after fuck all sleep i had work with my new manjer. Hilter.
i don't like her because of the way she spoke to another member of staff, and then punished the member of staff for sticking up for self. SKET!
anyway it wasn't as bad as i thought, bcause i think she likes me. (:
- teachers pet. -.^
After work:
Went home.
Auntie told me she's looking at a house around the corner. oh.god.
although i love her :') she can stay where she is.
Ended up at my grandparents where i weighed myself.
8.78
not good!
i thought i had put weight back on my bad.
moment of the day: when the old man came in buying a skirt for his wife that was in hospital. <3 QT
Song of the day: ed sheeran kiss me.
Peaceeeeeee and kissses. xxx
Han. <3
p.s this blog isn't to hurt, offend or upset anyone.
darlin' boy
My dearest Jack,
You can call it idiotic or just plain foolishness, but the absence of you has made it unbearable for me to feel anything other then self loath.
I feel disgusted with myself for letting you go and I feel consumed with utter hate for my reflection, as it is a constant reminder of the very thing that gave you up.
Believe me Jack when I say you was the only desire that I have ever felt could kill me. I’m simply breaking inside without you and the friend I thought I could once confide in becomes the enemy I can not worry.
I hide my tears away from John, but it is becoming increasing difficult because he is the only reminder of you that makes my heart beat.
Jack I feel deep despair for my inconsiderateness and unbearable selfish action which urges me to worry you like this, but the day I saw you walk away feels me with a great sadness.
I only have myself to blame for I ripped you away from him like some insecure monster consumed with pride, raising the gun and pulling the trigger myself. for all my wrongs I am sorry.
I wish you could be there for him Jack, for me.
I feel like a child that foolishly fell down a brilliant rabbit hole on the quest for some nonsense of beauty and was taken in to some obscene nightmare with no way out, my only wish is that I wake up.
That I wake up with you.
My own stupid actions have brought the most ugliest pain I have ever had to face, in my short life.
The only thing that was remotely content within it, is becoming increasingly ill.
I need you to hold me Jack.
I feel so stupidly selfish for telling you this, but I fear if I don’t I will break.
I cry at night and my tears only remind me of bullets when they hit the sheet, and then I think of the tears you must have cried.
I could never imagine what it must be like out there in my darkest nightmares.
I want your touch.
I want your kiss.
I want to hear you whisper I love you with your soothing voice, the noises from our last goodbye still echo continuously around my head. The words taunt me as I know I may never hear them from your lips again. If I could just see you again.
I dream of some unending fairytale with you but who wants to live for ever at times like this, when I seem to get the simplest thing wrong like your request. You deserve someone better unlike me. Any decent human being would have mad sure they got your basic items of sanity right.
Find me Jack. please don’t leave me lost and insecure like that child in wonderland come home to me baby, I will pray for you
All my love Hatter
P.S I cry for you.
You can call it idiotic or just plain foolishness, but the absence of you has made it unbearable for me to feel anything other then self loath.
I feel disgusted with myself for letting you go and I feel consumed with utter hate for my reflection, as it is a constant reminder of the very thing that gave you up.
Believe me Jack when I say you was the only desire that I have ever felt could kill me. I’m simply breaking inside without you and the friend I thought I could once confide in becomes the enemy I can not worry.
I hide my tears away from John, but it is becoming increasing difficult because he is the only reminder of you that makes my heart beat.
Jack I feel deep despair for my inconsiderateness and unbearable selfish action which urges me to worry you like this, but the day I saw you walk away feels me with a great sadness.
I only have myself to blame for I ripped you away from him like some insecure monster consumed with pride, raising the gun and pulling the trigger myself. for all my wrongs I am sorry.
I wish you could be there for him Jack, for me.
I feel like a child that foolishly fell down a brilliant rabbit hole on the quest for some nonsense of beauty and was taken in to some obscene nightmare with no way out, my only wish is that I wake up.
That I wake up with you.
My own stupid actions have brought the most ugliest pain I have ever had to face, in my short life.
The only thing that was remotely content within it, is becoming increasingly ill.
I need you to hold me Jack.
I feel so stupidly selfish for telling you this, but I fear if I don’t I will break.
I cry at night and my tears only remind me of bullets when they hit the sheet, and then I think of the tears you must have cried.
I could never imagine what it must be like out there in my darkest nightmares.
I want your touch.
I want your kiss.
I want to hear you whisper I love you with your soothing voice, the noises from our last goodbye still echo continuously around my head. The words taunt me as I know I may never hear them from your lips again. If I could just see you again.
I dream of some unending fairytale with you but who wants to live for ever at times like this, when I seem to get the simplest thing wrong like your request. You deserve someone better unlike me. Any decent human being would have mad sure they got your basic items of sanity right.
Find me Jack. please don’t leave me lost and insecure like that child in wonderland come home to me baby, I will pray for you
All my love Hatter
P.S I cry for you.
here's another line from th heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77J6W4ZixAY
Dearest hatter,
never to be trusted,
never to be loved,
never to be thought of first,
never to be faught over.
never to be right,
never to be shown your th one? they want.
never to succeed, or achieve.
for you will never be thought of? and happyness will never be.
- because you'll always be known as th freak.
but! how? could they ever love you.
Why! would they ever dare, to show you that they care?
for you are too much of a risk and for you to reach eternal bliss.
You must stop looking for happyness, and shut your eyes so can you sleep.
entering th ground 6ft deep.
and whilst you waste you waste away so coldy?
your fragile body is left so grossly.
- Don't expect them to weep, they'll just hate you because you're weak.
You tried to warn them with tears of sadness, happy faces and crazy madness.
with fraglie structures and screaming voices.
You push and push, for you can't take the love they never gave.
and as you fall towards th ground and once more more write your tears down, secertly praying that they will look.
You! straight into th eyes?
with know doubt, cruel intentions or lies.
holding you closely to their chest.
saying listen to my beating heart.
feel the steadyness of my breathing, for i will be their to protect you.
because i can see your light
i will forever love you and kiss you goodbye at night.
all my love alice. <3
Dearest hatter,
never to be trusted,
never to be loved,
never to be thought of first,
never to be faught over.
never to be right,
never to be shown your th one? they want.
never to succeed, or achieve.
for you will never be thought of? and happyness will never be.
- because you'll always be known as th freak.
but! how? could they ever love you.
Why! would they ever dare, to show you that they care?
for you are too much of a risk and for you to reach eternal bliss.
You must stop looking for happyness, and shut your eyes so can you sleep.
entering th ground 6ft deep.
and whilst you waste you waste away so coldy?
your fragile body is left so grossly.
- Don't expect them to weep, they'll just hate you because you're weak.
You tried to warn them with tears of sadness, happy faces and crazy madness.
with fraglie structures and screaming voices.
You push and push, for you can't take the love they never gave.
and as you fall towards th ground and once more more write your tears down, secertly praying that they will look.
You! straight into th eyes?
with know doubt, cruel intentions or lies.
holding you closely to their chest.
saying listen to my beating heart.
feel the steadyness of my breathing, for i will be their to protect you.
because i can see your light
i will forever love you and kiss you goodbye at night.
all my love alice. <3
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Which way? That way!
play this then read, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc
As you lay within the trees.
Drifting of so carelessly.
Entering the land of dreams.
Tears wills forget to stream
Down upon your redden cheek.
Your heart will slow its beat and the days will blur like a memory.
The birds will tweet and cats will chase.
Whilst you lay still like time and space.
The boring book you are yet to read.
Will soon seem so problem free.
As you close your eyes and take your finally breath before you lay this world to rest.
Once awaken.
You will face a little rabbit with no time to waste.
Without a moment to gather your thoughts
Another lesson is waiting to be taught.
Of you go my darlin’ because down the hole you’ll fall.
Upside down round and round becoming helpless like us all.
And as you look at the dimming light you’re entering a room.
That can only feel you with a heart of pain and a soul that’s so misused.
your knees crash against the ground and behind you is the autumn sounds.
Take a breath and don’t forget, if you don’t move fast you’ll have nothing left.
You must think quickly as time is running away and on the table the poison lays.
For you to figure out just how much you can take?!
So drink up, drink fast and be quick as the door is opening and you are yet to pick?
Which way? That way! Down the road.
As we wait for the story to stop and unfold.
'All my love'
Hatter. ♥
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